Putting thoughts in their place

A basic premise of coaching (which is well supported by science these days) is that thoughts cause a great deal of pain in our lives (if not most of it). Believe it or not, the way we feel as a result of our thinking has a direct effect on what happens to us in the world at large.  Haven't we have all had the experience of being in a supremely crappy mood and having EVERYTHING go wrong.  Well, if you haven't, I sure have. I've had the opposite experience as well: feeling great and having EVERYTHING go my way. 

So, here is a model of what that looks like (thanks to the work of Brooke Castillo for this):

Reality (the situation) –> Thinking about reality –> Feelings –> Action –> Results

The actions and results then come back around and support our version of reality. A negative feedback loop, when we are stuck in negative thoughts and limiting beliefs. If you are following my line of reasoning, it is logical that questioning our thoughts leads to a reality that is more in line with what we want.  Make sense?

One of the primary ways to combat painful thoughts and feelings in our lives is to question them.  It's funny how the constructs of our mind and ego often crumble when we shine a light on them.  There are many ways to do this, but I began with yoga and meditation.  There is nothing better for learning to pay attention to, and "get" that we are separate from our thoughts. In my experience, my years of mindfulness training made it easy for me to "catch" the thoughts that were causing me pain, but I didn't know what to do with them after that.  Hence, I was still at the mercy of my thoughts. 

What I learned during my transition to living overseas and the concurrent illness, was that I could in no way control or suppress my thoughts.  If I did try and ignore my thoughts, they simply went underground and caused anxiety and physical pain.  I came to a few conclusions as a result of this experience (and lots of reading on the subject): 

1. Ignoring or suppressing thoughts is useless 

2. Leaning in and experiencing the essential pain of a situation (in other words, if you need to grieve, grieve.) is health and also very critical 

3. A good method for questioning thoughts is essential.  

The method that I use to question thoughts in my own process, as well as the work I use with my clients, is the work of Byron Katie.  Amazing and clear, this method of questioning illuminates all the cobwebby places and brings a fresh perspective to old stories.  Here is a recent example from my own work:

Reality: We returned home to Rome

Thought: Rome is a terrible place to raise children.  This thought makes me cranky and mean to be around and also makes me tired.  I don't want to do anything when I think this thought.  Clara gets bored at home with me, which in turn supports my initial thought that Rome is a terrible place to raise kids because my daughter is bored and hyper from being at home all day.

Working with the Work on your own

(Thanks to MY amazing coach, Susan Beekman, for leading me so expertly through the Work in our sessions.)   

Thought: Rome is a terrible place to raise children

Is that true?  It feels true!!!

Can you absolutely know the thought is true?  No.

How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?  I feel stuck and helpless, it makes me cranky.  I get tired.  I want to run away.  

Who would you be without that thought?  I would be happy to be home.  I would be taking Clara with me to all the amazing places that Rome has to offer.  I would be at peace.  I would be in love with my life and utterly enchanted with Rome.  

Turning the thought around... (and then, find three genuine examples of how each turnaround is true in your life)

Rome is a wonderful place to raise children.

1. Italian people love kids.

2. Children are welcome almost everywhere.

3. No city can beat Rome for culture or history.

Children raised in Rome are wonderful.

1. All of the people I've met who were raised here are amazing, dynamic, fabulous people.  There are at least three of them that I can think of off the top of my head.

My mind is a terrible place to raise children.

1. By listening to my mind, I don't take advantage of the opportunities available.

2. I have no idea what is an ideal location for my daughter to be raised.  Her life experience belongs to her. 

3. I can easily talk myself out of, or into, opinions about Clara and her childhood.  Stories.  With no basis in reality.

After working through the 4 questions, I feel more spacious and more gratitude for my incredible life.  Wow! I tend to treat these questions like meditations to be contemplated.  I don't rush through it, as my mind is lightning fast at coming up with the "right" answers.  Note, that I am not trying to push away my original thought – I'm simply looking around and discovering if some other thought is as true or truer than the original thought.  In that way, I have choice to believe or not, it's up to me.  The key being, I'm not locked into my original, painful thought.  

Are there thoughts that are causing you pain?  Are you willing to try the Work, to examine whether it's true?  You might be surprised at what you find.

Post, twittified:

Thoughts cause pain.  Challenging our thoughts leads to freedom – it doesn't mean you have to give up your thoughts.  But you might want to.