I have these revelations periodically about food. Sometimes, food is working for me, and sometimes, the food is swinging me around like a sumo wrestler might. Like right now, for instance, I seem to be falling into the latter category.
To be upfront, I’m a stress eater.
So, we just moved to a different country, right? This is a little bit stressful. We are also being entertained a lot, with tons of yummy, super-fattening, creamy, delicious foods. And desserts? Don’t get me started. I mean, I’m in a new country, I deserve a dessert or two after every meal, right??
Last night we got home from an event with not-so-good food that I ate with gusto, just to top it all off with very yummy dessert(s). I felt terrible when I got home, really, just icky. My stomach hurt, I had a headache and I though to myself, “Why do I do this??”
Indeed, an excellent question. And one I’ve asked myself many times before.
Back when I began this blog, I started with some talk about yogic philosophy. I plan to finish up that discussion eventually, but other things, like moving across the ocean, seem to keep popping up. But anyway, as I asked myself this very important question last night, “WHY do I do this to myself?” the answer came in the form of an EPIPHANY. Not a new epiphany, but one worth repeating, nonetheless.
Overeating to the point of feeling terrible physically and mentally is an act of violence towards myself. There is also a quality of greed and dishonesty to taking so much and stuffing it in my mouth that it distracts me from the underlying stress. The greed is obvious, I am taking more than I physically need, right? It is dishonest because by eating so much that I feel self-loathing, I don’t have to feel the discomfort of the enormous changes I’m going through. An act of violence, you bet. My body doesn’t need this excess food, and I end up mentally flogging myself, and that often leads to more stress-eating. It’s vicious, and I would never, ever do such a thing to someone else. So, with this oh-so-common act, I move far, far away from my commitment to the yogic precepts.
But the antidote is so clear. The EPIPHANY, if you will. It often feels like an act of self-care to eat the food. It is comforting, in the moment. But the reality is, that for that moment of pleasure, come many more moments of discomfort and an inability to really engage with my life because of my mental gyrations around what I’ve done and how my body feels. The truly kind, honest and greedless thing to do, the antidote, is to walk away. To take only what I need. To be mindful of the outcome if I eat the extra dessert, to act on the knowledge I have of myself, and, just like I do with my daughter, kindly and compassionately set limits in my true best interests. To learn to be with the discomfort of the moment.
When I think about doing this, there is a moment of tension, and then it just feels so spacious and truly comforting. So, as I continue to move through all these changes, and the holidays, and the food, I am committed to bringing my Yoga practice to bear on my experience. To be in the moment, to fully engage with my life, instead of grappling with my issues around food. To act in my own best interest with kindness, generosity, and integrity.
But I’m sure this will include some dessert.
{ 3 comments }
Don’t you find that it is harder to set limits when you are eating out – either someone else’s house or at a restaurant? I’m pretty good at home, probably because I know I can always have some more (if not leftovers, I can make it again). When I am out and I like something, I feel this loss of control that I might never get to eat this yummy food again so I better eat a lot of it right now. I also feel a need to eat everything on my plate when at someone else’s home so they think I liked it (even if I didn’t!) or so I don’t appear ungratefu or so I don’t offend them.
I have more to say, but Kate and Jack aren’t going to let me type… we are off to IKEA today! Last day in Texas!
I LOVE this post. I know exactly what you are talking about. I go through these emotions all the time about food, and it generally starts around Thanksgiving. The rest of the year, I control myself and eat like a normal person, but as soon as the holidays creep up, I use them as an excuse to stuff myself to the point of illness. Then, comes the inevitable self-hatred. It’s miserable.
I think I should print this post up and hang it on my refrigerator door to remind myself that this isn’t the last time I’m going to be able to eat, that the food will still be there in the morning and that I’m such a hypocrite to tell my daughter she can’t have another cookie when I in fact intend to have the rest of the bag once she turns in for the night! Thanks for this one.
Great post. You’ve covered every one fo the Yoga Yamas: Non-Violence, Truthfulness, Non-Stealing, Not acting on sensual pleasures, Non-Greedy.
You’re a brave woman to confront over-eating at this particular time of year! However, what a wonderful time to practice loving (others AND yourself) and only taking what you need.
I like what you said about living with the temporary discomfort. There’s so much to say about this, I’ll have to blog about it as well (when I get a chance!).
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